How others see you
As I grow older and my hard drive becomes full, I choose to store primarily good memories. I do this because I’m a natural optimist and believe the world needs more positive affirmations. However, there are a handful of unpleasant events that have seared permanently into my psyche. One is from when I was a young girl in Tokyo. Another is from college. Both are regrettable things that I did to others. But the one from corporate hell is when a colleague delighted in calling me “Mama-san.”
The Mama-san incident occurred when I was meeting with a Creative Director who had recently joined the company. The CEO asked him to come and talk to me, and I quickly realized that he had already made up his mind that he would gain nothing from including strategic thinking in the work he was doing. I took the time to research his background and note some of his significant accomplishments as a designer. He came to our meeting having prepared nothing.
I’m Japanese and was the Vice President of strategic planning at the time, so while I was a woman with authority, I was not the head madame of a bar, massage parlor, or any other type of male servicing establishment. The person who called me this was many things, chiefly ignorant and self-unaware, but he didn’t intentionally try to put me down. Yet with those words, he might as well have slapped me across the face.
At that moment, here’s what was going through my head:
I am not the kind of person that has any skills or assets that he finds useful for his work
I am not attractive enough, literally or figuratively, for him to want to get to know me better
The closest association he can make of me (an older, Asian female) is with a bar madame
The conversation went nowhere fast, and he went on his merry way as I sat dumbfounded and angry. Bitches, I was humiliated!
Don’t assume anything
We realize that how we see ourselves can be different from how others see us. This gap can be positive when someone compliments you in a flattering but unexpected way. Other times, it can be damaging - when someone assumes you to be devoid of your specialty skills. When this happens to you often enough, you become acutely aware of the same thing happening to others around you. You learn to listen more and assume less.
Being misunderstood isn't fun. We often make split-second decisions about others because we feel pressured to do so for expediency. Our brains make decisions at a subconscious level, and our past experiences and biases take over. But we are not machines working off of algorithms - we can pause, be curious, and shift perspectives.
I'm the first to admit that I can be a smart ass and improvise my way in and out of a conversation like a comedy sports act. However, I'm acutely aware that one seemingly light-hearted statement can scar someone for a long time, as it did to me. I shudder to think of the trail of destruction I've left with my not-so-funny nicknames and diatribes.
These days, when I'm interacting with someone I don't know well, I make a conscious effort to put aside my preconceived notions about that person and observe them anew. Try it the next time you meet someone new - chances are you'll find out something unexpectedly delightful about them.
One of your best! You did the right thing by challenging the discriminatory attitude and behavior rather than the person. But microaggressions, like the one you experienced, significantly and adversely keep impacting our organizational health by creating a toxic work culture that corrodes employee engagement and the overall employee experience. Another consequence of the microaggressions we experienced is the imposter syndrome, which involves feelings of self-doubt and personal incompetence that persist despite our education, experience, and accomplishments. I know you, and to counter these feelings, you end up working harder and holding yourself to ever higher standards.