Performance Review Mad Libs

Cheaper Than Raises

Every year, I enter the same ritual: the Performance Review. It’s the corporate version of a horoscope, except instead of You’re entering a season of abundance, it’s Your next CEO will be inspirational, and then nothing changes except the org chart.

Performance reviews aren’t written to describe you. They’re written to survive a committee. They have to sound flattering while remaining vague enough that nobody can be held accountable later. It’s poetry, if the poet had a legal department.

So in the spirit of service, I created Jane’s Performance Review Mad Libs — a tool to help leaders everywhere write a review that feels supportive, sounds impressive, and produces absolutely no measurable outcome.

Simply fill in the blanks and enjoy another year of measurable ambiguity.

You’re welcome, Bitches.

Strengths

JANE consistently demonstrates (ADJECTIVE) leadership by (VERB + ING) cross-functional (NOUN) across (NUMBER) stakeholder groups, enabling (ADJECTIVE) progress against (VAGUE STRATEGIC INITIATIVE).

Example:

“Jane consistently demonstrates courageous leadership by socializing cross-functional narratives across 17 stakeholder groups, enabling durable progress against the Strategic Roadmap.”

JANE is known for her ability to (VERB) complexity while maintaining a (ADJECTIVE) presence and driving (ADJECTIVE) outcomes.

Example:

“Jane is known for her ability to navigate complexity while maintaining a calm presence and driving high-impact outcomes.”

JANE continues to build strong (ADJECTIVE) relationships across the organization and is a trusted partner to (VAGUE GROUP OF PEOPLE).

Example:

“Jane continues to build strong collaborative relationships across the organization and is a trusted partner to senior stakeholders.”

By the end of this section, the reader should believe I am both a war hero and a Swiss watch. Reliable. Precise. Calm under pressure. At no point should the review acknowledge that I am a human woman with a nervous system and a mortgage.

Opportunities

Now we arrive at the Opportunity Areas. This is where the tone shifts from Jane is a gift to Jane is also a situation we should gently manage.

OPPORTUNITY: JANE could benefit from further (VERB + ING) her (NOUN) to increase (ADJECTIVE) impact and broaden (NOUN).

Example:

“Jane could benefit from further elevating her visibility to increase enterprise impact and broaden partnerships.”

OPPORTUNITY: In moments of (NOUN), JANE can lean into (ADJECTIVE) communication to ensure alignment and reduce (NOUN).

Example:

“In moments of urgency, Jane can lean into clearer communication to ensure alignment and reduce churn.”

And then, like a lullaby sung by someone in a blazer, we close with the line that ends every review in corporate hell:

OVERALL: JANE is a (ADJECTIVE) leader with (ADJECTIVE) potential, and we look forward to her continued growth in (TIME PERIOD).

Example:

“Jane is a highly valued leader with significant potential, and we look forward to her continued growth this next year.”

It’s all technically positive. It’s also weirdly empty — like eating a rice cake that’s been described as robust.

Which is exactly why performance reviews survive in corporate hell. They leave everyone feeling affirmed, nobody feeling accused, and absolutely nothing required to change.